last night i was convinced someone was in my flat. i heard them come up the stairs. but no one was there...

i had thoughts about how i exist in the wrong era. it's too bright and fluid. i prefer subtle, muted and rigid.

i also kept thinking about the summers that i spent in holland. two in particular.

the first was the summer that i spent in gouda. that huge house that john squatted. sleeping on the floor. the first and only mosquito bite i've ever got. because of the heat and my skin tight jeans it turned into a huge hole in my leg. i still have the scar.
eating king prawns and party sauce constantly.
waking up in the morning and depending on the weather deciding where to get a train to and explore.

the second was in amsterdam. and i've spent a stupid amount of time there but i think this one was the best. staying in a tiny flat (the whole thing was about the size of my bedroom now) above a sex shop on zeedijk.
just down the street was a chinese temple. i visited every morning.
sleeping with the window open. listening to all the dramas unfolding throughout the night outside.
getting caugh in the downpours while i was over on the other side of the city. everyone would be sheltering in doorways and i'd walk through the city, soaked to the bone with a smile on my face.
i love the rain.

the rain we had in leeds on thursday and friday was amazing.
i went out into the garden at about 2.30am on friday in my underwear.
it was great. as great as anything can be at the moment anyway.

right now i'm curled up on the sofa in my living room. laptop in front of me. phone and new book at the side. 'the agony of ecstasy by olivia gordon'. how amusingly relevent.
i can smell cigarettes and i find it oddly comforting. i'm listening to whiskeytown.

Let your tears fall and touch my skin
Then your thunderclouds could rage and wail

Got sixteen days
Got a bottle and a rosary
God I wish that you were close to me
I guess I owe you an apology

i've been too busy and too tired recently.

i need to shower and tidy some.
the things that i've been putting off in favour of daydreaming.
tomorrow, back to work. visit the doctor. make some phone calls. daydream more. book flights. buy some more film.
i need to get a scanner.
*yawn
i have no interested in this so called real life anymore.

i once heard someone say that the concept of moderation seems a little extreme, and i agree.

moderation is idiocy perpetuated by the alcohol industry, which bombards us with warnings about 'drinking responsibly' in order to absolve itself from the irresponsibility that alcohol awakens in just about anyone at some time or another.

even years from now i will never stop trusting extremes.
i will always believe that anything worth having is worth having in excess.
the good things are worth hording. the joy that fires through you like popping popcorn.
if it's good for you, it ought to be good for you in any amount, and you should track down every available bit of it.

and if it's toxic, if it turns your liver into a hard little rock of scar tissue, or curls your memory at the edges like something burned in a fire, or makes your stomach flop, or your mind ache, or your personality contorted, you shouldn't buy the bullshit about temperance.

all or nothing.

still loving ryan adams
"situation keeps me drinking every goddamn day and night.
the situation don't seem so right"

i think my brain meat is rotting.

"when you're young you get sad. then you get high."

*yawn

i am in dublin with my partner in crime laura.
we are drunk.
i am more drunk cause i am a light-weight.
i can type suprisingly well when drunk. 
but text less well.
we drink wine while watching nathan barley and haggard.
and laugh.
yes.
tomorrow we visit a prison to take pictures.
i'm happy but also sad.
i dont know what to do.
too many choices.
too many awesome people in different places.
i dont know what to dooooooooooooooo.

ideas anyone?

right now i will drink some more then take sleeping pills to get me the fuck to sleep.

i'm far too self indulgent.
and drunk.

i realised today that it might be grey, foggy and white skys but 18000 feet up it's fucking blue skies and sunny all the way.
i have to remind myself of that when grey days and white skies are getting me down.

i read my horoscope today. it's funny how when you have stuff going on it ends up being totally relevent.

the past few days have included - 
far too many train rides
a trip to newark
a trip to a&e
a trip to my gp
late night text sessions
an invite for fish fingers at 12.30am
lots of chips
got awesome new things for my ears

drugs i got free but should've cost me £20 -
zopiclone - i love you
citalopram - you make me happy. must remember to take you in the evening though.
salbutamol sulphate - you stop my cough and kick my lungs into shape. go you.

today -
packing
looking for film
reading design magazines
photoshopping
sniffing
procrastinating - stop it!
installed mindmap. it rocks

tomorrow -
dublin
worrying about k.
laughing
crying
dancing
drinking
drunken text messages

day after -
sleep
finish reading 'the rum diary'
prison

soon - 
london
tattoo
miss manners
birthday. sssshh
move
lots of picture taking and design goodness
new glasses
visa

must do -
sort out cv
sort out portfolio
sort out flickr
find/scan/upload pictures
figure out some kind of schedule of work for the things i want to do
start sketching
finish journal
hunt for work
figure out life plan
take alex out. dnb. oh yes.
buy tickets to london/gallow/converge/etc
go fucking swimming
lift some weights again

missing -
australia. lizards running across the screens. sleeping naked with the oscillating fan on full blast. the sun on my skin.
longer hair. i will be there soon.
lots of things.
and nothing. looking forward not back.

this upcoming months will be busy and fun.
lots of messy nights with my partners in crime and lots of days of hard graft to get myself where i want to be.

suprisingly, i'm not finding everything as stressful as i normally would.

it's the way forward.

all is well. very well.

http://www.flickr.com/people/missholmes

anyone with flickr hit me up yo.

today i 

have had the mother of all headaches
stretched my ears to 10mm
bought my 5th hoodie of the month
sent business cards to the printers - they will be back within 10 working days woo!
had fucking awesome nachos
am going to the club night of the living dead
still feel motivated
had fun at work but not as much cause no alex :(
remain rather motivated

quote of the day - 'i've taken more e's than carol vorderman...'

work was fun today. super fun.
it would suck if alex and calum didn't work there. 
alex, you're the most fun person i've ever worked with!
a girl after my own heart for sure.
calum and i went for fish and chips at dinner. and swore at old ladies.
yes i am that tattooed girl in a hoodie that swears at you in the street. 

today was soooooo good. lots of good news and good things. plans made and plots hatched.
apart from those visa first people calling me 3 times. 
i eventually spoke to them at 6pm while i was in a multi storey carpark with really bad reception.
i told them i'm going to get the visa when i get paid so to call me back on wednesday.
they must be desperate for people to get visas with them or something.

that burning rage within me seems to have died down somewhat.
i'm still an angry little girl, i don't know if it's the drugs or me thought but i seem a lot more positive and motivated than i have been in a long time. possible ever.
i'm looking forward, making plans, being positive.
it's good. 
i finally understand what my girl meant when she told me that she wished she could give me the same things that make her happy, the same inspiration that she finds in day to day things that make her want to be a better person and a happy person , but that's a journey you have to find your own way to take.
it's true. i could not've ask for a more supportive friend over the past few years. she's been there for me everytime i've needed her but she's always let me find my own way. and it's finally paying off. i love her.

i'm sorting my head out. sorting my heart out. sorting my life out. 
i've figured out what i want and i'm fucking going after it and nothing is going to get in the way.

i wasn't going to update today but i was in such a good mood i just had to put all that down somewhere.

stay gold.

I like to think that I have tasted freedom, but I also recognize the signs and snares of addiction.

I’d like to learn things like piano and real forgiveness. 
And while I’m sure I’ve been given up by important people like parents and mentors, there are still a few who will always love me and sometimes, it’s true, that scares me. But then I remember my future of deep water and trees and of course I also remember that it’s not always about love.

Having an old friend around makes me aware of all the transition that’s easy to forget in the face of perpetual newness. Because it’s not just our politics or trainers; we’re imperceptibly shifting around in front of all the people we think know us, while really we’re crashing recklessly through adulthood and the only ones who truly know it are the ones who will really tell us, you know?

my girl speaks some wise words -

"leeds has been a place where alot of hard things have happened for you. its not that its too small its just that its too old. those bad feelings don't tend to leave a place for some people, people like you and me. i had to leave too. i just didn't realise how much i had to leave until i left."

that's the first thing i've heard in a really long time that makes real sense. 

more later.

Do this thing.

1. Who the fuck are you?--
2. Are we friends?--
3. When and how did we meet?--
5. What do you think of me?--
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?--
8. Do you love me?--
9. Do you have a crush on me?--
10. Would you bum me?--
11. Would you stroke my pipe?--
13. Emotionally, what stands out?--
14. Do you wish I was cooler?--
15. On a scale of 1-10, how fly am I?--
16. Give me a nickname.--
17. Am I a loveable scamp?--
18. How long have you known me?--
19. Describe me in one word.--
20. What was your first impression?--
21. Do you still think that way about me now?--
22. What do you think my weakness is?--
23. Do you think I'll get AIDS?--
24. What makes me rowdy?--
25. What makes me emo?--
26. What reminds you of me?--
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?--
29. When's the last time you saw me naked?--
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?--
31. Do you think I could kill someone?--
33. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?--
34. Put me to bed?--
35. Spend the night on the sofa?--
36. Introduce me to your parents?--
37. Cuddle up with me?--
38. Talk about people we hate all night?--
39. Are you going to put this on your myspace and let me slay you down?--